Every time I think of this impending birth I get a wide mix of emotions which I am sure are completely normal.
The main ones are anticipation and excitement, I am really looking forward to birthing this little man on my own without medical intervention.
Another one is determination, I am determined to do this, whatever it takes I will have my VBAC. I am determined not to be weak this time, not that I was weak, I was uninformed. My determination has kicked me into gear to get educated which fuels even more determination.
Another emotion that comes up is fear. Fear of what it feels like to have a vaginal delivery, it is a real fear of the unknown. I fear the emotions that follow a vaginal delivery, can I handle them? I know what posterior labour feels like and I know what the pain of Cesarean recovery feels like, I have no experience of what the burning feeling of a baby crowning is like and that scares me. I am not sure it scares me more than major abdominal surgery though. I have fear that I may not be able to birth my babies vaginally, what if the surgeon was right and my pelvis is too small? Everything I have read tells me that it is likely the surgeon is wrong, I won’t know until I try again. I fear that although I have been told I can refuse the cannula, I may be forced to have one anyway. I don’t deal well with needles, especially ones in my hand. I remember being in extreme pain in labour with Noah and I still wanted them to take the cannula out of my hand because it was bothering me, so I know it was a distraction for me. I fear rupture, the likelihood is less than 1% but yet I know that if I rupture there is a 17 minute window in which to get me on the operating table for the best chance of survival for the baby and/or myself.
I also feel anger, I am angry that I didn’t get the chance to do it right the first time, angry I didn’t do more, angry that I didn’t have enough support. I felt, and even still feel like a failure, I am not sure that the feeling ever goes away.
I am also thankful that I get to have a second chance, I am lucky to have fallen pregnant a second time. Having a Cesarean increases the likelihood of endometriosis, a condition that a doctor suspected me of displaying symptoms of according to pains I had and an ultrasound I had a couple months prior to falling pregnant with Noah.
I know without a doubt I am making the better choice for myself and my unborn child by having a VBAC, even if I don’t succeed, the trial of labour will be better for my little man and his health. There are many fantastic resources for women wanting to have a VBAC. I have read 3 books that I absolutely love and they are covered in post-it notes from cover to cover. They are Silent Knife by Nancy Cohen & Lois J. Estner, The VBAC Companion by Diana Korte and a book that every pregnant woman should read called New Active Birth by Janet Balaskas. It is from these books that I have managed to create my birth plan as well as a guide for my support people that I can be confident in. I have a few websites bookmarked that are very helpful as well and they are…
http://www.childbirth.org/section/VBAC.html
http://vbac.angelahoy.com/
http://www.vbac.org.uk/
http://www.natural-forces.com/essays/vbac.htm
http://vbac.com/
http://www.childbirthconnection.org/article.asp?ClickedLink=298&ck=10214&area=27#goal
Well this has turned into a mammoth blog post, I hope it was informative and helpful for some. It is nice to get my thoughts down on virtual paper if even just to reflect.
Light and Love!
Sarah
Hopefully little man has a growth spurt between now and then. It doesn’t sound entirely too serious though. He is very active all the time so I don’t think there is too much to worry about.
. So little man might be trying to score some Christmas presents by making an early appearance!!!
